SPOILER ALERT! What the fuck is this movie?! Definitely a film for the ladies, written by ladies, directed by a lady and therefore ruined by ladies.
I have never opened my cupboard, taken five completely different ingredients, poured them into a pot, added water, and called it soup. It’s not soup, it’s shit. That pot of shit is this film.
The first thing I noticed was that nearly all the older actresses must have had fat injected into their cheeks because wow! Their cheeks were so swollen that it reminded me of the teddy bear hamster that I had as a kid, she would stuff her cheeks with nuts (R.I.P. Elizabeth). Can’t we show the actresses with normal makeup, and just show that they, like us, have aged nearly 30 years. I was so shocked by their appearances that I couldn’t focus on much else for the first thirty minutes. When that passed, I realized the movie really did suck.
The first film ended with the curse broken–finally these women could love and not be afraid of their lovers being splattered in the road. Hold up! Not so fast! They killed off the love interest from the first movie and the curse never really ended so already there is an issue with the plot. Sandra Bullock’s character says some magical words and her daughters forget they were ever witches. Like someone in the town couldn’t/wouldn’t tell them? Okay. Years later…there is a dangerous magical book. Then a daughter has to travel to England to break the curse because her honey is in a coma because he gets hit in the road. Can someone add another traffic signal to this tiny town? They would be saving lives and maybe a movie. Then it turns into a rescue mission because Joey King’s character is an idiot. Someone hand me an aspirin. Nicole Kidman’s character in the first movie was sexy and fun. In this one they gave her bad lines and made her annoying. The daughters, played by Maisie Williams and Joey King, tried to work with the material they were given and it was very little. Hope they were paid well. This movie tries to be a romance, it tries to sprinkle in physical comedy, it tries to be horror(ific!), then it (finally!) ends with a wedding. Like what the fuck is this film?! Pick a fucking genre and stick to it! When you try to put it all together you make shit soup. That is what was served to me and now I have to hug my toilet.
Thankfully the bad guy was a beefcake, and he stole every scene he was in.
At least the soup had beef.
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